My Dream Home Checklist

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want my dream home to have. Besides the basics--running water and a modern kitchen--I've compiled a list of things I really want in my next house.

If you know any realtors out there who can rustle me up a property that meets these criteria, send them my way.

If you think I'm kidding (especially about the graveyard) I'm not. Ask my husband.

What are the specifications of your dream home?

Five Diseases All Writers Should Be Aware Of

Writing is generally considered a low risk profession. But there are several serious--and even terminal--diseases to be on the lookout for. Here are a few that affect me.

1. Obsessive Compulsive Editing Disorder (OCED). I edit everything from the back of cereal boxes to notes from my kids to whatever novel I'm reading. I wish I could turn it off, but there doesn't seem to be a switch. It's almost impossible for me to read a book without a pencil in hand to add a comma here or delete a word there. I hate it. I just want to enjoy the story.

2. Unintentional Analytical Plot Predicting Syndrome. (Also known as Beat Beating.)  I can't watch a movie or TV show without analyzing the plot and trying to predict the ending. My husband asks me why I even bother watching any more because I always know what's going to happen.

3. Author Attention Distraction Disorder (AADD, also frequently referred to as "crazy"). I'm constantly distracted. Not by shiny toys and squirrels, but by everything inside my head. "Mom, this is really important. I have to have one hundred..." One hundred. Yes! That's it! What if my main character lives a hundred miles away? That would put enough strain on the relationship to make the scene work better and lead right into the climax. But then the villain... "Mom? Did you hear me?" "What? Is someone talking to me?"

4. Blood Shot Twitchy Eye Syndrome. Some call it insomnia, when you wake up in the middle of the night because you just had this great idea and you can't go back to sleep because scenes and dialogue keep playing out over and over in your mind. Please just make it stop!

5. Acute Hyper-Friendlessness Complex (AKA: Loner's Disease). I've always been an introvert, but since I started writing, it's blossomed into an epidemic. A single person epidemic. How can I have time for friends when I have scenes to write, edits to make, and research to do. I've already got hoards of voices in my mind, why do I need more? Come on people! What's more important here? Real life or the fictional world I've created in my head?

What diseases do you suffer for the sake of your art?

The Trouble with Juliet

I love Shakespeare. Anyone who knows me knows that.

I'm sorry to say, Romeo and Juliet is one of my least favorites. Partly because it's been done so many times, but mostly because Romeo and Juliet always seem a little insane. Maybe that's Shakespeare's point: Combine teenage mentality and true love and well, it's not going to run smooth.

Which is why I find this so hilarious.



What are your thoughts on Romeo and Juliet?
Which Shakespeare is you favorite?

Important Life Lessons Everyone Should Know

Lately I've been watching the TV show Supernatural. All the old episodes are on Netflix.

The problem is, my husband has been out of town, and I end up watching them late at night when the rest of the house is asleep. Not such a good idea because some of these episodes are freaking scary.

I couldn't look in the mirror after watching Bloody Mary. And all my kids have to do while we're out driving is say, "Mom, is that a scarecrow in that orchard?" and they know I'll cover my eyes and scream. I find myself constantly glancing over my shoulder.

On the other hand, I've learned many important lessons from this show, and that is what I want to pass on to my readers:

~ If something creepy is after you, it will ALWAYS sneak up from behind. And usually from the direction you were just looking a moment ago. Watch your back.

~ The surest way to meet something scary is to split up. People of the movies, when will you ever learn?

~ Never leave any part of your body exposed outside of the covers. The covers are your friends, stay under them.

~ If you hear a strange noise coming from your closet (or the room down the hall, or--heaven forbid--from the cellar) DO NOT CHECK IT OUT. I repeat, do NOT slowly and hesitantly approach the sound, especially if the lights won't turn on and there is intense, unsettling music playing in the background.

~ Never back up to a window. Inevitably the creature/demon/zombie/evil clown/vampire will break the glass and grab you.

~ Salt is your friend, keep it close. Silver or lead blades are also recommended, but harder to take on airplanes.

I know these are only the very basics, and there are lots of other important life lessons out there, but I hope you find these useful when you are home alone late at night and it's dark and eerie outside. They help me.

What important tips can you share?

Google Myself Challenge

My friend and fellow crit group member, Taffy, challenged us to google ourselves and see what comes up.

I accepted, and this is what I got:

The first 5 hits were for my own sites: my website, this blog, Facebook, Twitter and another link to this blog.


Then I got this:

Julie Daines. Not me. But she looks great and I'm sure she's a very nice person. This is her Facebook pic.





And this:
Another Julie Daines who lives in Crewe, UK. So I'd probably trade places with her if she were willing. This is from LinkedIn. It seems there are quite a few of me living in the UK.




And my personal favorite:

I don't always wear this much eye make-up, but other than that I think it's a reliable likeness.

Also the earrings are totally me.

The link for this pic is here. But caution. Not all my outfits are as conservative as this.








And this:

Apparently, back in January of 2011 I stayed at the Sirene Golf & Wellness Hotel in Turkey. According to my comments, it rained too much and the main hotel was undergoing inconvenient construction, but the Turkish Baths and Sports Massage were amazing.




And fittingly I shall end with this:

Sadly, at the age of 37, in 2004, I died suddenly, leaving behind my husband and 5 children. I lived in Coalville, Utah and will be remembered for my smile, humor, service and sense of direction.

May I rest in peace.




If you want to accept the challenge, leave a comment telling me what you find or copy a link back to your own blog.

VP: Vampire Preparedness

As promised, a post on Vampires.

Everyone knows not all vampires are bad. They all need blood to survive, so keep that inconvenience in mind before settling down with one.

Vampires are hot. However, it's important to remember not to confuse good looking with good. If you do come across an evil one, you must be prepared.

The number one rule of course: never invite them inside. Once invited across your threshold, they can enter anytime they wish. Garlic around any vulnerable entry points is a good idea.

Vampires are repelled by vervain. I drink vervain tea and always carry vervain lotion.

You are usually safe from vampire attacks in bright sunlight, as they seem to avoid it. However, using sunlight as a main form of defense can lead to skin cancer, so I don't recommend it.

If things get desperate, use a stake. I have a vampire stake, carved by my son and given to me as a mother's day gift. It says "Vampire's Bane" in Saxon. It's really cool.

Remember, all vampire stakes should be made of wood. Some people may tell you to use a silver stake, but they are probably a vampire in disguise. It must be wood because wood is alive, and only living material can kill the dead (or the undead, which is a confusing term because they are dead, just back alive--similar to a zombie, but better looking and better smelling.)

For more information on vampires and how to protect yourself, I recommend you read Bram Stoker's Dracula. It's the best and will teach you how they move in fog and can't cross rushing water except when the tide is out or something. And yes, I openly admit that I've been thoroughly entertained by Twilight, Moonlight the TV series, and a few episodes of Vampire Diaries.

Here is my awesome, crazy son who made the vampire stake, owns an anti-zombie gas mask, and is wearing--yes it's true--an authentic Russian ushenka hat.

How To Survive an Alien Invasion

I have at last come up with a viable and effective way to save mankind from a hostile alien invasion.

All we have to do is cover everything in that impossible-to-open plastic packaging. I believe the correct term is Rigid Plastic Clamshell Packaging.

No one can open it. The aliens will abandon the planet in frustration. They will try scissors, chainsaws, futuristic laser technology, and even mind control. But, alas, that form of packaging is unpenetrable.

Each year, millions of people suffer from the effects of wrap rage. We, the consumers, are fooling ourselves to think that because we buy a product we should be able to access said product.

Frustration isn't the only consideration, it can be dangerous as well. According to BBC, over 67,000 people injure themselves every year in the struggle against clamshell packaging.

And now to add insult to injury:

"Hard to open packaging isn't just a dangerous nuisance, it discriminates against the weak," said Valery McConnell, editor of Yours Magazine.

In a world of equal rights and political correctness, should we be made to suffer such discrimination?

Below is a link to a top secret site with valuable information. After years of research and siphoning government money, WikiHow has developed a few methods to aid in the removal of plastic packaging. However, the aliens MUST NOT SEE THIS. (Click Here)

So there you have it. The next time you curse and cut yourself attempting the impossible--opening a plastic package, you can take some small comfort knowing that in the end, it will save the world.

Follow this link to read how I singlehandedly save the world from Zombies!

Experiment in Sleep Deprivation or How To Ruin Christmas For the Whole Family

Final Update: He's sick.


Update December 21, 10:00 am:

He did it! This morning marked the end of his experiment and he is now sound asleep. We have yet to determine what is left of his brain after 72 hours of no sleep and video game overload. So far, the rest of the family is intact, and as far as sickness...we'll need a few days to see how that goes.

He hasn't been home during most of the event, just last night. (Hence the dim glow from the family room all night.) These next few days will tell all in terms of the aftermath.

Special thanks to Heather Bready for providing the giant, green-tinted TV for the video game all-nighters. Stuart said, "Please can we keep it?"

Quote of the Day: "I'm not going to get sick!" ~my son


My son, who is a senior in high school, has worked out some weird extra credit arrangement with his AP Psychology teacher. He gets 25 extra points if he does a sleep deprivation experiment for 72 hours and records how it affects him. I find serious flaws in this plan.

Today marks 24 hours of no sleep for him.

When I called him this morning to see how things went last night, he told me he and his friends were waiting outside for Deseret Industries Thrift Store to open so they could buy more TVs for their stay-awake-all-night-gaming strategy. (Let me also say that he seems a little put-out that we won't just let him take the new 56" flat-screen TV over to his friend's house. Go figure.)

I don't think this brilliant psychology teacher took into account how the sleep deprivation of the teenager would affect the rest of the family.

I predict that in the very near future the following events will occur:

• the sleep deprived child will get into a heap of trouble for attitude problems.
• anger management will drop to an all time low.
• he will be sick for Christmas.
• one or more of his siblings will be massacred in a fit of uncontrollable emotional overload.
• we will have a record number of door slammings, possibly requiring some repair work to the moldings.
• by the end, we will be the first to witness a real live zombie.

Only 48 more hours to go. Stay tuned for the updates!

The Holocaust Called NaNoWriMo

Last year my NaNo project looked like this:

Monet (Source)

It came together so beautifully and perfectly. All I had to do was clean up some problems with the characters and fix a few minor plot hiccups, and voila! One year later, it's accepted for publication.


This year my NaNo project looks like this:

Pollock (Source)

Complete chaos and disaster. I'm not sure it can be salvaged. I even had the plot outlined better than last year, and all my research done. But, like this painting, it's just not working. Grrr!

I guess I'll just finish it, then tuck it away while I work on something else. Maybe I'll like it better when I've had a chance to let it rest.

Don't Sleep with the Lights Off

Quote of the Day: "The love-bite, it is the beginning. You will be irresistible" ~Bela Lugosi


For your Halloween entertainment, I will now share the three times I've been really scared. (And I mean Halloweeny scared, not so much "my kid just got run over by a car and might die" scared, which I've also been.)

One time, when my husband was out of town (it always happens when he's out of town), I was watching the movie "What Lies Beneath." With all the kids tucked into bed, the house was quiet and dark. When I started getting that creepy feeling that something might be sneaking up behind me, I couldn't take it any more. I went and got my 4 month old baby out of bed so I wouldn't be alone watching the rest of the movie. Pathetic? Maybe a little.

I use to watch all the X-Files shows. But the "Mothmen" episode really creeped me out. It's set in the ancient forests of Virginia, and everyone who went into the woods disappeared. These freaky, red-eyed, immortal beings were snatching them out of thin air. And always the camera cut to their glowing red eyes, because that's all you could see of them. They could make their skin match their surroundings to become invisible.

In the final shot--spoiler alert--Scully is leaving her hotel room after she thinks they've solved the case. Of course Mulder knows better. Mulder comes and drags Scully from the hotel. The camera pans to under her bed, where a pair of red-eyes is hiding, staring out. I couldn't step out of bed after dark for months knowing that thing might be under it, waiting. And if you're wondering, yes, I do suffer from a bit of nyctophobia!

This last is the most scary because it's based on a true story. One time, when my husband was out of town!, my sister-in-law told me about an incident that happened in her neighborhood. A neighborhood not too far from mine.

A girl (maybe 12 or 13) woke in the night when she felt something touching her. She saw a man standing in her room stroking her arm. She screamed, and the man fled. The police came and searched the house. Finding no signs of forced entry, they concluded that the man had entered the house sometime during the day and hid--either in the basement or attic--until the whole house was asleep. Then he came out and approached the sleeping girl.

Scary. And of course after she told me that, I looked at that little square of ceiling tile that opens into the attic and, naturally, it was askew. Panic.

However, that's not the end of this story. A year or so later, the night before Halloween, I was with a group of girls about that same age, and we were telling them ghost stories. I told them about this incident, and they were deliciously freaked out. I even demonstrated the man rubbing his hand up and down the girl's arm. Shudder.

Well, that was all fine. I was scared, but I walked home in the dark alone anyway. I climbed into bed and was just falling asleep when I felt something touch my arm. I tried not to panic, it was probably just a breeze through my open window. I felt it again.

I rolled over and there was someone standing beside my bed, touching my arm. I screamed so loud that my husband bolted out of bed, his heart racing, and my little daughter burst into tears. Of course, she was the one by my bed, touching me, trying to get my attention because she couldn't sleep.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Any times you have been heart-pounding scared?

Character Quirks

Quote of the Day: "Why don't they just makes phones that are connected to the base?" From my son after I duct taped the cordless phone to its base with a piece of yarn because I was so sick of it being lost!

A friend of mine and author Tamara Hart Heiner recently wrote a blog about giving our characters personality quirks--little traits that set the character apart from the rest of the world.

Everyone has them. It's what makes us unique.

So here are some of mine:

• I am obsessed with expiration dates. I check the date on everything before I buy it and I throw out tons of unused food just because it's a few days past expiration.

• I have to have clean sheets. I wash my sheets sometimes two or three times a week. And only I can make the bed, otherwise, the sheets aren't to my liking.

• I don't eat leftovers.

• I'm obsessed with London, England, and the whole of the British Isles. I lived there growing up, and it is my home away from home. 

• I have to carry dental floss with me at all times. I keep it in my purse, my car, and in various places around the house. 

• I smell everything. New books, plastic wrappers, even glasses as they come out of the dishwasher.

• I have a hard time with subtlety. I speak too frankly, offend people by accident, and don't pick up on the nuances of society very well. I think if people have something to say, they should just speak up and say it in as polite a way as possible instead of beating around the bush. Life would be so much easier.

• I am a little bit obsessed with skulls. Especially the skull and crossbones. 

• I carry Vervain scented lotion with me at all times. If you know why, great, we're on the same wavelength. If you don't know why, then God have mercy on your soul.

• I love maps and sometimes I just sit and study them. Any map. 

So, there's ten quickies I just came up with off the top of my head. 

Making this list has got me thinking about quirks I could give my main character to set him apart and boost his personality. But not too many quirks, otherwise it becomes annoying. Just one or maybe two. 

Bad Movies: A Blogfest

Currently Reading: The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

Apparently, there is some kind of blogfest going on about Worst Movies Ever. Read about it here. Well, you know I have to get in on that one!

So here, in no particular order, are some of the worst movies according to my own internal movie-crap radar. 

Inception
I know, I know. This was hyped as the best movie ever. And that's part of the problem, it was over-hyped. After hearing amazing things about this movie, I finally saw it and... well, it was lame. The plot is pointless because in the end, nothing happens. The whole movie is the explanation of dream invasion or the actual dream invasion, but in reality, nothing happens. It ended with something about the wife, but we don't really know for sure, and we don't really care about her anyway. If you want a good movie about dream invasion, try Dreamscape. 

Fly Away Home
I think my main problem with this movie is timing. My timing. I watched it on the one year anniversary of my sister's death. Big mistake. The first ten minutes of Fly Away Home is the death scene and drama of Anna Paquin's mother. Waaaay to sad for me that day.

Waterworld
First of all, Kevin Costner. Need I say more. Couple bad acting with bad screen writing and you get Waterworld. 

TRON Legacy
Yes, this is another blockbuster. But this movie proves once and for all that the best special effects in the world can't make up for melodramatic acting, cheesy lines, and predictable plots. Plus, where exactly is Tron? Inside the game console? Outer space? I don't know, and I don't really care.

Knowing
Ok, tossing Nicolas Cage and all his problems aside, this started out as a deliciously creepy suspense movie. And then derailed into a twisted mess of environmental, apocolyptic, and dare I say biblical mumbo jumbo. Adam and Eve? Are you kidding me? Blech!

The Ghost Writer
Yet another example where the ending kills the movie (literally and figuratively!) This seems to be a common theme for me. The story was intriguing and I like Ewan McGregor, generally speaking. But the last five minutes ruin the whole movie. I just wasted two hours of my life for this? Not worth it. An unexpected twist in the plot is a good thing. A random act that doesn't tie in to the plot at all is just the writer trying to be manipulative in an attempt to create shock value. Well, it doesn't work. It never has. It's fake and stupid.

City of Angels
Some people love this movie. I can't stand it. First of all, Nicolas Cage again. And secondly, I fundamentally don't agree with the choices he makes in this movie. And last, it's too dang sad.

Failure to Launch
Way to predictable. Really, there wasn't one single scene in this entire movie that I couldn't have predicted. This is the problem with most romantic comedies. We know how they are going to end: Boy gets Girl, or vice versa. The challenge with romantic comedies is to throw in some original twists and turns that set the movie apart from the other millions of romantic comedies. Very few can actually pull it off.

So there's my list. There are tons more, but these are the first I thought of. Agree or disagree, it's up to you. But in the end, you know I'm right.  :)

Zombie Apocalypse? Problem Solved!

Song of the Day: "Zombie" ~the Cranberries


I don't know what the big deal is. I solved the problem to the zombie apocalypse this morning while I was taking my morning nap.

Here's the plan:

1. Put bars on all windows and doors except one main entrance per edifice. (Families with small children may want to board up the windows because smashing glass and reaching zombie hands can be disturbing to some youngsters.)

2. Install high-powered lasers across the single entrance which, when triggered, will immediately decapitate, slice up, and basically dismember anything that tries to pass through.

3. Install a high-tech bioscanner that scans your eye to verify that you are a living, breathing, blood-pumping human and not one of the undead. If you pass verification, you step unharmed through the deadly lasers.

Simple!

You are now safe at home, school and work!

Of course, you'll have to leave the safety of indoors to get to your home, school and work, exposing yourself to a possible attack en route. But, if everyone buys an armored car and brushes up on their combat skills, we should be fine. They're just zombies after all, not rocket scientists.

Granted they may have once been rocket scientists before they died and came back to life, but that doesn't mean they can outsmart us. No matter how many corpses un-die, humans will always be the dominant species.

"What about the deadly virus?" you ask. Cake. If we can create vaccines against drug addiction, it's only a matter of time before we have one for Solanum.

In the mean time, it's not a bad idea to have a gas mask for going out, and an anti-viral circulation chamber installed in your home or apartment building's ventilation system.

There. Now you can all rest easy. Brave people are working as we speak preparing to equip every structure and dwelling with the appropriate defensive mechanisms.

If Life Were Like Queries

Currently Reading: Wildefire by Karsten Knight


This is so funny I had to re-post it on my own blog. I found it at BookEnds, LLC - A Literary Agency, posted by Jessica.

If life were like queries:

• All children would be orphans
• All husbands are keeping a marriage-destroying secret from their wives
• Small towns would have an impossibly high murder rate
• At the age of 16, 17, or 18 we would all learn the secret our parents have been keeping from us (and it's always some super-cool paranormal power)
• Returning home always means falling in love with the hunky man (or gorgeous gal) we left behind

Remember the Good Ol' Days

Quote of the Day: "Womble up the rubbish, put it in the bin." ~my Womble pull-string toy.


I was digging around in my parent's basement the other day and found one of my oldest, favorite toys. A WOMBLE!!

What is a Womble? It's a plush toy based on a old stop-motion TV show from Britain that aired in the mid-70s. My guy's name is Orinocco.

What he looks like now.

What he looked like then.

The Wombles live on the Wimbledon Green and collect old rubbish and stuff and use it to go on all sorts of crazy adventures. I got my toy when I lived in London in 1978 (ish). He has a pull string that no longer works, but I remember two of his phrases very well. My favorte is the quote of the day, and the other one is "Womble days are happy days."

Ah...the flood of childhood memories. 

I logged onto You Tube and found a few episodes. After watching two of them I thought, children's TV has come a long way. Then I remembered the Teletubbies and realized it hasn't changed much at all. 

Enjoy:

         

Sharks and Pebbles

Quote of the Day: "The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages." ~Virginia Woolf 


I had a great meeting last night with my critique group: The Sharks and Pebbles. They are an incredible bunch of authors. I am so happy to be in this group! Let me just tell a little about them.

Jaime is working on a very fun middle grade fiction about a villain who's terrible at being bad. She's witty, smart, and has done an amazing job organizing the LDStorymakers Conference for the past two years.

Scott writes middle grade fiction and is working on a cool adventure story about two kids who get stuck in ancient Iceland with the vikings. He knows a ton about everything and contributes a lot of wisdom to our group--especially about what works and doesn't work with male characters.

Taffy writes creepy, make your skin crawl YA fiction about aliens and psychotic serial killers. She's amazing at coming up with unusual concepts and pretty much knows everyone in the local writing community.

Yamile writes beautiful, lyrical YA literary fiction set in her home country of Argentina. She's clever with words and imagery and really good at getting into the hearts of her characters. We all love listening to her read.

You can check out their website by following the links on the right side of this blog.

And, in case you're wondering about our name--The Sharks and Pebbles, watch this video to see how we came up with it. **PG Content**  :)

Too Much Sunshine is Bringing Me Down

Google search of the day: "What kinds of chemicals are used in embalming fluids?"


Quote of the day: "Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes." ~Friedrich Nietzsche 


Sometimes I ask myself, why did I take up writing? I've been reading some of my favorite author's works--Martine Leavitt. It's a little depressing to stand on one side of the gap and squint my eyes to see how far above and beyond me her writing is. Do they make bridges that big?

These sunny days are killing me. The kids are so excited for spring. But I prefer stormy weather. There is no imagination in sunny skies. If you're lucky, a bunny cloud will float by.

Give me dark skies, rain on the window, and wind howling past my house. Now I have Wuthering Heights and The Tempest swirling around me. Throw in some fog and I've got Bram Stoker's Dracula. That's what I need--a little weatherly inspiration.

I have now said my peace. I shall close my computer and go outside in the sun and shovel 3 tons of bark mulch from my front driveway to my back yard. Good times.



CONTEST NEWS: There is an awesome Birthday Phenomenon giveaway at Cleverly Linked. Check it out.

UPDATE: After I posted this, I received an advertisement offering a special deal to enroll in an embalming school! Haha!

What is Your Publishing Dream?

What I'm reading:  "Tom Finder" by Martine Leavitt--currently my idol.
Song of the week:  "Iridescent" by Linkin Park.  If I could write stories like they write lyrics...


So, there's been a lot of talk about self e-publishing. While I believe that e-publishing is the future of writing, I'm not sure I'm ready to try it yet.

I look at YouTube, which is a form of self publishing, and see that some are famous simply because they uploaded their own work and it miraculously caught on fire. Who doesn't know "Charlie Bit Me" (100,000,000 views)?

But then, that's the exception, right? A regular Joe (and I mean that in the generic sense) like me can't expect such fame. But is fame what I'm really looking for?

I read an article by Phil Cooke, which was summarized in publishing terms quite eloquently by author Roni Loren. The main point of these articles is that we should carefully analyze our dreams, or in other words, what it is we really want out of our writing career.

If my life-long dream is to hold a set of my own hardcover books in my hands; have people lining up in droves for a book signing; or be the keynote speaker for a writer's conference; maybe I should stick with traditional publishing.

If what I really want is to enjoy writing; share my stories with others in whatever way is most plausible--maybe earning a little spending money on the side; and attend conferences holding my head high as a self published writer; maybe e-publishing is the way to go.

Stay tuned for the results of my self-analasys. It may take some time, but I'll get there eventually. In the meantime, I'm still sending out queries (at the rate of three per year--is that a sign?) and still writing everyday--and loving it!

And just in case you haven't seen it...here's "Charlie Bit Me."