Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Zombie Apocalypse? Problem Solved!

Song of the Day: "Zombie" ~the Cranberries

I don't know what the big deal is. I solved the problem to the zombie apocalypse this morning while I was taking my morning nap.

Here's the plan:

1. Put bars on all windows and doors except one main entrance per edifice. (Families with small children may want to board up the windows because smashing glass and reaching zombie hands can be disturbing to some youngsters.)

2. Install high-powered lasers across the single entrance which, when triggered, will immediately decapitate, slice up, and basically dismember anything that tries to pass through.

3. Install a high-tech bioscanner that scans your eye to verify that you are a living, breathing, blood-pumping human and not one of the undead. If you pass verification, you step unharmed through the deadly lasers.


You are now safe at home, school and work!

Of course, you'll have to leave the safety of indoors to get to your home, school and work, exposing yourself to a possible attack en route. But, if everyone buys an armored car and brushes up on their combat skills, we should be fine. They're just zombies after all, not rocket scientists.

Granted they may have once been rocket scientists before they died and came back to life, but that doesn't mean they can outsmart us. No matter how many corpses un-die, humans will always be the dominant species.

"What about the deadly virus?" you ask. Cake. If we can create vaccines against drug addiction, it's only a matter of time before we have one for Solanum.

In the mean time, it's not a bad idea to have a gas mask for going out, and an anti-viral circulation chamber installed in your home or apartment building's ventilation system.

There. Now you can all rest easy. Brave people are working as we speak preparing to equip every structure and dwelling with the appropriate defensive mechanisms.


  1. Julie, it is such a relief to have this all figured out. I think these words of wisdom should be passed straight to the white house, without further delay! You could single handedly save the country! I'm wiping a tear of proudness that is running down my cheek at this very moment.

  2. Ha ha! I just have to ask, what brought this on? (Brilliant answers, by the way.)

  3. Phew! Thank you thank you for figuring all that out so simply. Now I don't need to check out all the newest zombie books at the library! You've saved me time and worry.
    Now, can you come up with the answer to self-cleaning toilets? I'll check back next week, thanks.

  4. Love the laser idea. But I'm so taking a shotgun with me to do the grocery shopping. :)

  5. The other day when I was taking the kids to the bus stop, one of the traffic warning panels on the road had been hacked and said, "Zombie Attack. Prepare!"

    My kids freaked out wondering if maybe it was a real warning a desperate soul had left for us. As I was already semi-zombified by the ungodly early hour, I took my chances and kept driving. But what if?